An Encouragement in the Wait

“He knew when I didn’t know what to pray and saw my tears instead. Sat with me in my silence. Was patient with me through my anger. Most importantly, He was near.”

Christian Pena

As I was praying about what to share with you all, one theme kept coming to mind and it is His kindness and faithfulness. It’s abundant! Not just in my life, but in all of ours, if we take the time to recognize it.

As a quick backstory - Izzi and I were married just over ten years ago. A couple of years in, we decided we were ready to have kids. I remember sitting across from one another at a restaurant as Izzi read a note he had written about being ready for this next chapter together. I thought it would be quick, and maybe even easy! I thought to myself, “Here we go! I’ll get pregnant right away and have four kids by the time I’m 30.” As many of you know, that wasn’t the story… Young, 25-year-old Christian and Izzi were in for quite the ride. The first month of finding out we weren’t pregnant quickly turned to 6 months, which then turned into two years, five years, and so on.

Fast forward eight years, and we still weren’t pregnant. The biggest question that consumed me during that season was, “Why?”

“Why is this happening to us?

“Am I not healthy enough?”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“Am I not cut out to be someone’s mom?”
“Is God withholding this from me?”

So. Many. Questions. Doubt. Shame. Confusion. Grief. Anger. You name it, I experienced it.

And yet, even in the middle of the wait and to be honest, heartbreak, God’s kindness and faithfulness showed up — not in big flashy ways, but in ways that were meaningful and unmistakable. There are two specific moments of His kindness I’ll never forget.

1. One year into our infertility journey, I had such a life-like and vivid dream that I woke up in a hospital bed and a baby girl was handed to me. As I held her, it felt so real and I was trying so hard to not wake up.

2. About 3 years into infertility, a coworker, who had no idea what we were walking through, came up to Izzi and I before a meeting and said, “The Lord told me to tell you that you’re going to have a baby.” She even handed us a handmade baby blanket that I still have in my closet!

I think of these as my “twelve stones” moments like in Joshua 4, where God commanded the Israelites to set up twelve stones as a memorial to remember how He had led them across the Jordan River into the Promised Land.

“These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.” — Joshua 4:7

In the same way, these moments became anchors for me. Reminders that God saw me, He wasn’t absent, and that He had a plan.

I know many of you might be in a season of waiting right now whether for marriage, children, healing, clarity, breakthrough, a job - whatever it is.

I’m won’t say that I understand why God makes some of us wait longer than others or why some prayers seem to be answered and others aren’t. I’m also not going to pretend that waiting is easy in any sense of the word. Its really, really difficult and confusing. I had my fair share of moments when I questioned God’s character, got angry, and wanted to give up. There were many times when I struggled to rejoice with those who rejoiced and only found myself reminded of what I didn’t have.

Romans 8:26 says,

“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.”

This is one of my favorite verses. So many times I didn’t know what I should have prayed. I wasn’t even sure what I was asking for / was discouraged by praying for the same thing over and over again. God understands that - He knows us better than anyone! He knew when I didn’t know what to pray and saw my tears instead. Sat with me in my silence. Was patient with me through my anger. Most importantly, He was near.

What a kind Father He is!

Izzi and I received our answer to 8 years of prayer and are expecting our first baby on October 1! Looking back, there is more to our story behind the 8 year wait and maybe one day I’ll share that as well but for now, I still don’t fully understand His timeline (and probably won’t on this side of Heaven). However, I do know that I feel much better prepared to be a mom than I did 8 years ago and that has made this new season so sweet for me - not easy - but just so sweet.

As a few parting words of encouragement, here are the two things I want you to remember if you’re in the thick of the “wait”:

1. Ask God what He’s doing in the waiting. There may be something He’s asking you to surrender, refine, or maybe even prepare. Ask Him honestly,
“Lord, what do You want to do in me during this time?” And don’t be afraid of His answer.

2. Look for His kindness! I promise you it’s there every day in both ordinary and extraordinary ways. Whether it’s a word from a friend (community is so important during a season like this!), a moment during worship, a sense of peace that honestly doesn’t make any sense. Friend, all of that is His kindness showing up for YOU.

How amazing that we have such a powerful God who is also the friend that sticks closer than a brother and is near to the brokenhearted. It’s legitimately hard to wrap your mind around a lot of the time.

If you’re waiting on the Lord to provide an answer to the prayers you’ve prayed 1,000 times - keep praying, trusting, and leaning on Him. Believe that He sees you and wants HIS best for you - whatever it looks like.